Long time no post

I occasionally read through some of my old posts and enjoy seeing what I've accomplished, or how I got through something, or the details of a life event or project. The past several months have been predominantly about work, stress, and exhaustion which made me kind of sick of myself to tell the truth.  I felt very self-absorbed, and I hated that but it was seriously all I could manage.  I am embarrassed about what that says about me, but there it is.

I'm feeling better about work and about my stress, and am less exhausted than I was.  I really had no idea how consumed I was with getting things done and finding efficiencies until I got up at 5:20 one morning this week to start my day and my morning walk was cancelled because of lightning.  That left me with 45 unscheduled minutes before work.  Here was my thought process:

1.  If I get moving I can get into work early and get a few things done before the rest of the staff arrives.
2.  I think I'll take just a little time first and put a clear coat of nail polish on my nails.  They look nasty.
3.  I'll make up the guest bed where R ended up because the snoring was too loud.  I've got some extra time (and I had already made up our bed).
4.  I have time to check Pinterest.
5.  I'll wash up the breakfast dishes.  There, that's better.
6.  If I get moving, I could still be 20 minutes early to work.

Then it dawned on me that I had 20 minutes where I didn't have to accomplish anything and here I was trying to accomplish something.  This is what my life, my waking moments, had become.  Even when I wasn't stressed, I was creating stress.  Good lord.

So I sat down and decided to do NOTHING for 20 minutes.  At least nothing that would accomplish anything.  I don't even remember what I did, but I probably read something gossipy or stupid online.  I may have sipped another cup of tea.  I know whatever it was, it fell into the "goofing off" category.

I left for work at pretty close to the usual time, and my day began, but I was struck by the fact that I had to force myself to do nothing and not feel guilty about it.  I had a conversation recently with my boss about the past several months which have been hard on him as well.  I told him that more than one person told me I look better now that things have settled down.  I wasn't sure how to take that, but I said that apparently I was wearing my stress and admitted that the past several months were the hardest I had ever been through.  It was mentally and physically exhausting, and I don't know how I got through it.

Then my boss said, "I never got the impression that you weren't handling things or were over-whelmed, in fact it was just the opposite," which either means I hid it better than I thought or he was not reading me very well.  I would love to think I covered well but the truth is my boss is a great guy who is famously hands off, and who can tolerate a fairly high emotion level from others without feeling the need to react or intervene.   But still.  I'll take that as a compliment.