Stepping back

I took the day off today because I wasn't feeling well.  I began to feel nauseated when I was walking this morning and rather than push through, I just gave in and stayed home.  I have worked very long days for the past few weeks, even after fitting in visits to my mother over my lunch hour.  I had stomach pain all morning and though it diminished in the afternoon I stayed put.  I did work a bit from home and took care of a few of the more tedious tasks that are hard to get done when I'm constantly interrupted.  I also answered emails and stayed in touch with the office. 

I'm sure I could have gone in if I tried hard enough, but I'm just so tired of managing all of the balls I have in the air right now.  My boss has been his usual self, and I've been keeping up more than my share of the load.  Though things may get behind or be done wrong, I'm just going to have to live with it because I can't be the only person who can do everything.  Not now anyway.

I have a funny story about my boss and how he manages our office.  He's very sensitive to the fact that everyone believes I'm the one doing all of the work, so he tells people about what he does in order to make sure he isn't overlooked.  A few days ago, before the financial aid dropped, the director mentioned to his staff (including my boss) that the daily refund period would be starting up and Mary would be working late and running refunds each night.  My boss piped up, "I run refunds too!" which sounded a little petulant and garnered him more eye rolls than sympathy.  The truth is, he stays late once every term, on the initial drop day, and then he skidaddles. I'm there every night, but if anyone asks, he is helping me although he is out the door at 5:00 sharp. 

Because I have so many students to meet with in addition to emails and phone calls from everyone and their brother, I asked him to work the morning deposits for a while so I could devote more of my day to the more immediate tasks.  He said he could and later I asked him if he could also run a few of the preliminary reports I do each evening before I run the refunding processes.  I got a big sigh out of him and he said he "...supposed he could find the time."  I didn't react to the sigh and the "suppose" but it annoyed me because honestly he isn't busy and never leaves a minute late or comes in a minute early.  The next morning he was checking with each of us about what we need during this busy time in the beginning of the term, and I reiterated that it would help if he did the morning deposits and helped with running the preliminary reports.  He said he could do that, and then turned to the rest of the staff and said loudly that he was sure he would need to be working extra hours soon.  I think he believes he does work extra though none of us have actually seen that happen.  He's an absolute genius at deluding himself.  A specimen in speciousness.

When he leaves the office at 5:00, he makes a point to "check out" with everyone in the office except me.  He's afraid I'll ask him to stay if I've got several hundred refunds to check, so he just skips me in his nightly rounds.  The other night, because we have had extended hours for two weeks, one of our cashiers said to him, "So you're sneaking out at 5:00, huh?"  He took affront to that and told her that he was not scheduled to work late that night so he was NOT sneaking out.  Oh-kaaayyy.....   He came to me the other day, day two of the aid drop, and asked if he should stay late.  I told him I didn't know because I was so busy I hadn't had a chance to look at how many refunds there would be. 

"Well, I need to know because we only have the one car here today." 

(Note:  they have more than one car but always drive together so they each have an excuse to leave at 5:00)

"I don't have an answer for you because I don't know," I said.

"Well, I need to know what to tell (my wife)."

"It's up to you."

"Do you think I'll need to be here?" he persisted.

"I have no idea...but I'll manage," I finally gave in.  I'm sure I sighed in my head.

"Okay, I'll go then," he said, feeling as if he'd done his best and he turned and walked out the door.

Oh well.  I had my today to regroup and mend a little.  I had a good cry last night over everything that's going on and R is taking good care of me.  Stupid bosses are to be expected and you can't fix stupid.  I just have to do my job and take care of myself and keep on going.  I can do that.