Life returns

Many years ago, when I was trying to get my bachelor's degree over the course of eleven and a half years...going part time...at night...I developed an inability to completely relax.  I never attended in the summer because I had children and summer sports and needed a mental health break.  I saw that time off of school as my annual opportunity to accomplish projects around the house and incorporate as much fun as I could into the short period of time.  During the rest of the year, I worked, went to school, studied, and tried to keep up with the family and household duties.  My days started early and ended late.  It was exhausting but I somehow stuck it out.

When I graduated, it took a long time to be able to to relax during the non-summer months.  I always felt like I should be studying or researching or writing something.  It wasn't easy to let go of the burden of homework, even when I didn't have any.  I was a good student, and I had to learn how to be a good non-student.

I'm experiencing a similar feeling as my work is settling into a routine and I am no longer working at managing two full-time jobs.  I retained some of my old duties in part because my replacement isn't quite ready to take them on and because she acquired a few duties that I never had, but I'm up to a better speed on my new duties and making headway in both understanding and finding efficiencies.  My favorite things to do!  

But, the last year was so busy and so stressful that once again I forgot how to relax.  Even when I'm off work I find myself with projects or thinking about projects or thinking I should be doing SOMETHING constructive.  Like the free time is going to get taken away so I'd better make hay.  We had a granddaughter overnight last weekend and it was fun.  I tried to stay in the moment and not worry about the bookwork that was not done, and I think I did okay.  Kids set a good example for in the moment, so it helps to take cues from them.

Today I left work early because I was achy and had a headache.  I actually woke up in the night last night with a headache that felt like I had smacked my head on a cupboard door or something, and when I got out of bed this morning (early because I couldn't sleep) it was reduced to a dull pain.  My hands and feet hurt too for no reason that I could tell.  When I got home I tried to nap but could only manage 20 or 30 minutes at a time.  I tried to relax but I stunk at it.  Finally I decided to pull some weeds and sweep off the deck because yard work was long overdue.  The exercise felt good and I even worked up a little sweat.  

When I have unexpected time to myself, it becomes clear that I need to work on learning how to enjoy it.  Or use it to heal.  Or use it to relax.  Or read.  Or nap.  I've got a ways to go....