Mother's Day musing

Years ago, when we celebrated my first Mother's Day, my daughter was just two months old. We were very young, I was just 21 and R was 20, and we lived in a little duplex on the east side of town. I was a stay-at-home mom and was enjoying being a mother even as I was learning what that meant. I came from a large family but I was one of the younger ones, so I wasn't really involved in caring for little children. I'd done some babysitting and had some nieces and nephews so I wasn't completely clueless, but motherhood is different from babysitting.

Anyway, my first Mother's Day arrived and we had made plans to visit each of our mothers and R's grandmother. There were brunches, lunches, visits, and lots of family in each place. There were flowers, gifts, cards and well wishes. Well, except for me. In all of the excitement and the newness of the situation for us, R hadn't done anything. I didn't have a card or a gift or anything waiting on me that morning.

Never one to be demure, I asked R if he had something for me. It really hadn't occurred to him, probably for a couple of reasons. He'd never been a father before, he probably hadn't done anything for his own mother unless it was part of a forced art project in school, and he just wasn't that interested in the whole thing. He typically wasn't part of any planning or preparation for things, so without any input from someone else, it wouldn't have occurred to him to do it on his own. It wasn't arrogance, but ignorance. And somehow I knew that and it really didn't bother me that much.

But I couldn't help but give him a little guff about it. He felt bad, offered to run out and buy a card or whatever, and was truly sorry it didn't occur to him. We really didn't have time for that so we took off for the several places we needed to be.

When we were at his parents' house, I was visiting with his mother. She had flowers and cards and all of the trimmings. We gave her our card and gift (both of which I had shopped for) and she asked about my Mother's Day. I told her I didn't get anything. I'm sure I was a little sarcastic about how R had neglected to get me anything and his mother, ever his defender, told me that he shouldn't have to get me anything for Mother's Day because, after all, I wasn't his mother.

The snottier answer would have been "You're not my mother either but who do you think bought you your presents?" but instead I stumbled with "I'm the mother of his child and how is my 2-month-old supposed to go out to get me something?" which was still too harsh for the situation but I was young and probably still hormonal. It took me a long time to realize that she really did think he should have got me something, but she was his mother and was always going to be in his corner. Always.

Not too many years later, a bunch of us were sitting around her kitchen table, talking about movie stars and movies and stuff. I made a comment that I thought was in the same vein of what we were talking about, that some male star was really cute, and R's mother cut me off and told me that she thought R was very handsome. She said it in such a way that I should not be even considering anyone else as cute when I was married to R. End of discussion.

I was thinking to myself that it wasn't like the movie star was breaking down my door and I had a decision to make on who to spend my life with, but I realized again that his mother was his biggest advocate. I wasn't sure I would ever be in his corner to that extent and now, many years later, I think that's probably for the best. Don't get me wrong, I'll stick up for my husband in most any situation where I think he needs it. But I'm secure enough to be able to give him a hard time when he deserves it and to have a little fun at his expense when I feel like it. And I think that road runs both ways.

He always remembers Mother's Day now. And my kids are old enough to go out and get me something. Win win.