Life got in the way

I know it's been a while, but we've been muddling through a two-month stretch that pushed our limits.  There is too much to recap, but it had highs, lows, and a fair amount in between.  R was forced to admit to an alcohol problem that caught me completely off guard, and both of us had to work through the shock of discovery.  After lots of tears, hugs, conversation, concern and sharing, we both feel better but know there will be more ups and downs to come.  I knew something was wrong for some time but was unable to find out what although I asked repeatedly.  What do you call feeling relief and anger with someone at the same time?  I don't know.  Maybe love.

He is doing well, and I am too for the most part.  I have my moments but I told him he's just going to have to get used to me venting when things build up.  He's lost the puffiness that had settled on his face and hands and has also lost some weight although he won't step on the scale just yet.  He has a sponsor (my brother) and attends meetings on occasion.  His unexplained anger and confusion is gone, and he is certainly healthier and happier.  I'm still surprised by the relief I feel.  Home is home again.

The amazing thing is, we're happier and feeling better as a couple than we have in a long time.  The truth will do that.  While I thoroughly resent his keeping such a huge secret in our marriage, I remind myself that there must have been an enormous amount of pain behind it.  In the process of understanding his addiction I've had to summon up compassion and forgiveness skills I didn't know I possessed.  I believe in forgiveness but it's a whole new ballgame when you have to perform on the big stage.  It was hard, but it turns out it was a lot easier to forgive and move forward than to haul the burden of anger around all of the time.  The strength of love versus the powerful grip of the unresolved.  It helps that he's worth forgiving and fighting for.

And so, half way there, life got in the way.  I'm finding out new things about myself and about us that I didn't expect at this age.  One of my favorite songs by Greg Brown, "Worrisome Years" holds an entirely new meaning for me.  In the song he raises the question, "When does the good part start?" and I guess the answer is it starts every day.  Every damn day.

So stay tuned.