False assumptions

Why is nothing ever as easy as it should be when it comes to home improvement, repairs, etc.? Today we bought room-darkening shades for our bedroom because the silly little pleated shades I bought a few years ago provide all of the light-filtering and privacy of a sheer curtain. They look cute but it's impossible to take a nap in there between the hours 6:30 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. unless during a solar eclipse. The new shades will install behind our pleated shades so I still have the cute but can regulate the light.

We go to buy them and find out they don't sell the kind that is easily adjustable in length, but the friendly home improvement store will cut them to fit. I measured the windows (though not terribly carefully because I thought I'd be fitting them myself) so I gave them my guessurements and felt confident I could make them work. I was sure, if anything, they would be a little short so I would simply have to shim to hardware a little. No biggie. False assumption #1!

We get them home and I immediately head upstairs with simply a hammer, the shades, and the hardware. Optimist! I dry fit the first shade and it doesn't fit, however it's too long. What! I check it against the other two of the same size (we have five, count 'em five, windows in that silly room) and they are pretty much the same size although one appears a skosh (technical term for tiny bit) shorter. It doesn't work either.

I pop off the removable end of the shade and quickly figure out how to shorten it, but am not sure what tool to use. I choose a hacksaw. I go to the basement and get one. I bring it upstairs and begin cutting a little less than a quarter of an inch off of the end. It goes pretty easily through the five-mil plastic but I wonder if I'm just going to chew up the cardboard core. My husband joins me. I tell him we need the compound mitre saw. He says I'm crazy, just give him the hacksaw. I tell him it will be much easier with the power saw (it was) and he says it will just make a mess in our bedroom (it did) but I tell him we'll need to sweep either way (we did).

He gripingly brought it upstairs and we finished the first cut. We reassembled the shade and measured it to fit. It fit. False assumption #2! In order to attach the new hardware, he decided he needed a different, smaller hammer. I retrieved it from the basement. He installed the hardware and then the shade did not fit. Now we needed a screwdriver. He retrieved it from the kitchen and the basement (he got a couple). He removed and then loosened the hardware for the pleated shades, giving himself more room to work. It still didn't fit. He brought me the step stool from the kitchen so I could reach it and manipulate it better, but it just couldn't make the turn into the left-hand slot. We cussed, banged and coaxed but couldn't do it. Finally we decided it need a bit more of the shade cut off. We took it apart, cut off another skosh, reassembled, and voila! it worked. Of course R then kicked it back out of the slot while removing the painter's tape I had holding it tightly together, but I fixed it again. We had exactly one window completed. But now we knew what we were doing, right? False assumption #3.

We began working on the second window. In front of this bank of three windows is a dresser (no mirror), so reaching the windows is tricky. We removed the pleated shade, and loosened the hardware so he'd have more room to work. We cut off the second shade, no problem. I marked the holes for the new hardware and he began to install it. He dropped one of the brackets behind the dresser. Neither of us could reach behind it to retrieve it, and it's really heavy, but there was no choice but to move it out. He moved it while I made sure the TV sitting on it didn't fall off. Believe me, I suggested we move the TV to make things easier, but he wouldn't hear of it. I wasn't about to mess with brute strength at that point.

When it was moved out far enough to retrieve the hardware and also to get behind the dresser and work, we realized it was filthy behind there. He finished installing the hardware and then had to bring up the vacuum. I installed the shade and reinstalled the pleated shade as well. Next window.

The third window went along without a problem. Then we needed to sweep up behind the dresser and the window sills while we were at it. I also swept off the front of the pleated shades. But the cords on one of them were horribly tangled. I spent an inordinate amount of time untangling them so we could move on. Great. We've got this down. False assumption #4.

The next two windows were at the head of our bed, a bookcase headboard in front of them. We decided to not move the bed if possible, so we stood on the mattress and worked. I swept off cobwebs in the window sills and a ridiculous amount of stuff from the back of the headboard where I could reach it with the hose attachment. We cut off the first shade (these were longer than the last three windows but incorrectly sized about the same) and installed it. R clips it in place and then tightens down the hardware for the pleated shades. Now the new roller shade won't roll. The pleated shade hardware is too close. No solution but to move it forward a little. He removes it and then repositions it, screwing it directly into the wood. I ask if he needs the drill for pilot holes but he declines. He is WAY stronger than I am. This wood is 80-year old pine and is hard as a rock and the angle is awkward (standing on a bed, leaning over a headboard, screwing up into a window frame) but he does it anyway. He then reinstalls the pleated shade hardware, the pleated shade, and we are ready to tackle the last window.

Now we really know what we're doing. Let's get this done. I have already cleaned out the window sill, loosened the old brackets, measured for the new ones, and we are ready to cut our final cut. I position the saw, but before I hit the button to start it, I hear the doorbell. The dogs are downstairs and are going nuts as usual. I pull myself up from the floor, and tell R he has to follow me to help with the dogs. He lumbers downstairs behind me, both of us griping, I push the dogs away with me feet and answer the door to find a young girl, collecting for muscular dystrophy. Crap! I locate a couple of bucks and tell her I don't need a receipt. She asks me to complete the section on her envelope for name and address and I tell her I'd rather not get on their mailing list. Just take the money. She says thank you, I say thank you, and that's it.

Back upstairs we go, but R has left the dogs outside. They're barking like crazy because they figure someone is in the house and they're not included. Whatever. I tell him we just need to finish the damn window. We collect ourselves and make the cut to the shade. He takes it to the window and....it's still too long. We have to take it apart, cut it again, just a skosh, and then reassemble. He installs the hardware, retightens the pleated shade hardware, and of course, it's binding up just like the last one. He removes it, repositions it, and we get the pleated shade reinstalled. I sweep off the fronts of those blinds, untangle more cords, he puts away the enormous tool collection that has made its way to our bedroom by now, and I begin vacuuming the floor which is covered with plastic shreds and cardboard crumbs.

But now we're done. A job we hoped would take about 20 minutes took two hours, but we're done. Now I can take a nap in our room during the day. Now I can sleep past 5:00 a.m. in the summer. Now I can sleep on those windy nights when our neighbor's motion light flips on and off constantly. Now maybe my left eye will stop twitching.

False assumption #5?