Release valve

I'm not a crier, really. I cry sometimes over stupid stuff (sappy stories, commercials). I guess I should say I tear up at those things. Crying is different.

Today I cried at work. I was just so overwhelmed and tired and stressed (and angry) that it just caught up with me. It's been building for weeks now, and today the pressure cooker blew.

The details aren't important. Suffice it to say that it was a result of stupid people and a stupid boss doing/saying stupid things. What is important is that I was taken care of by friends at work who did what they could to make me feel better. One sat and listened while I sniffled through my list of grievances. Then she hugged me. One took me for a little walk, got me something to drink, and bought me a Payday candy bar. People gave me some space when they didn't know what to do or say, which was a kindness itself.

I walked around most of the day with red-rimmed eyes. They burned and felt like they would tear up on a moment's notice. Sometimes they did. I felt like a dope all day because I really hate to cry in front of other people. Oh well.

I'm not even sure what it was all about. Broken down to it's simplest equation, it doesn't make any sense that I would be so upset. But when you pile crap on top of crap and then kick the pile of crap, I guess the result can be a little smelly. And today stunk.

After getting it out, I began to feel better. R was worried about me and when I got home from work tonight he listened to me and of course I cried all over again. Then I began to feel even better. I guess it helps to cry sometimes. Maybe I shouldn't wait until the breaking point.

This morning on NPR I heard about a Zen monk who was only the 13th to complete a 1,000 days of walking, meditation and prayer over a seven-year period around Mount Hiei. He walked 26 miles a day for periods of 100 or 200 straight days. He talked about one of the biggest challenges being to make time each day since he had other more normal duties in his life, and he slept only for about 4 1/2 hours a night. After I heard that, I knew I wouldn't be completing 1,000 days of walking, meditation and prayer but I did wonder if there was something I could do that would re-focus my spiritual energy to something that would help me be a better person. The commitment part is what would help me focus. I just need to figure out what to commit to.

I guess I'll have to think about that.

Right now, I want to commit to a pillow and a blanket. I think I can handle that. And the plan is to not cry tomorrow. I'll get back to you on that one.